San Francisco is more my oyster than ever before
with all the Tom Waits impersonators gone.
I am running around, naked, tripping
on ecstasy and everything is beautiful!
I can do all the hipster stuff I always wanted to do
but never did because the place was too full of hipsters.
I found there are few joys in life greater
than sipping on a $12 cocktail at Bourbon and Branch
and threatening to beat a hungover d-bag senseless blasting Dave Matthews Band.
With all the Tom Waits impersonators gone, I made a beeline for the bar
to hit on a cute, hip-looking photographer. We had a slumber party.
THE MOST SEXY TWO SECONDS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!